Friday, June 4, 2010

Jay Currie's World (Satire)

[Disclaimer: The following is a work of satirical fiction. Any similarity to any persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. To the author's knowledge, nobody sharing the names the characters in the story have done anything similar to the fictional events depicted therein.]

Jay Currie is a semi-articulate blogger with a passion for defending Israeli imperialism against all comers. He also takes a sadistic glee recounting the sufferings of its victims, who he describes as deranged, sadistic, psychopaths. Recently, he (along with others of his ilk) has been defending the government of Israel's attack on an unarmed humanitarian aid flotilla attempting to break its illegal blockade of Gaza, by pointing to video evidence of the members of the flotilla resisting the Israeli attack, as well as photographic evidence of unopened canisters of pepper-spray, an axe, assorted knives from the ships' kitchens, and other such laughable items. (To make things even more insane, some of the photographic evidence appears to have been created before the entire incident occurred.)

Sane people have asked themselves how Jay Currie can maintain this stupidity with a straight face so consistently, and earnestly. Back channel information shows us however, that Currie (and his brethren) is completely genuine in his sympathies. While the following episode does not provide a complete parallel with the story of Israeli commandos attacking an unarmed aid-ship, it does have enough similarities to allow us to see that extreme fearfulness, cowardice, inability to conceive and describe the concept of "proportion," and the sad inability of moronic sociopaths to grasp the extent of their anti-social stupidity, thereby making Currie's recent blogging behaviour explicable.

Last October, Jay Currie had invited his sister and her family over to have a Halloween party and go trick-or-treating. During the party, Currie's three-year-old niece (dressed as a scary but adorable witch) decided to play a trick on Currie. She hid herself in the closet in the master bedroom and when Currie opened it, she jumped out shouting "Boo!"

Currie screamed loudly with his face transfixed in extreme terror for over five-seconds. The screaming and the crazed look on her uncle's face caused the toddler great fright herself and she screamed. That was enough to send Currie over the edge, and he pushed her roughly with both hands back into the closet, intending to slam the door and run from the house to his car to parts as then undecided and unknown but far, far away.

His niece was temporarily winded by the force of the push, but did not hit the closet wall thanks to the thick barrier of clothes hanging behind her. Within seconds she was able to try to run out of the closet away from her insane uncle to the comfort of her parents' loving arms. Unfortunately, Currie interpreted her running to get past him as an attempt to attack him and mindlessly punched her in the jaw with all his strength to stop the imagined attack. Currie is by no means the strongest man in Canada, but his punch was enough to break the three-year-old's jaw.

Relations between Currie and his sister became somewhat strained after that. She and her husband (and others) ran to the bedroom to see what was the matter. When Currie saw them, he instantly began berating them for their horribly incompetent parenting, yammering about their daughter's supposedly crazed and violent behaviour. Not surprisingly, that was the last contact they had with Currie (aside from court appearances). Their sympathies for their daughter cause Currie no end of irked amusement. He occasionally refers to them as the enablers of a psychopathic demon-child to the amusement of his own family as they all eat cat-food off of ancient newspapers on the kitchen floor for breakfast.

When the Criminal Court Judge (one Justice Goldstone) did not see things Currie's way, Currie began to write numerous lengthy letters to his local newspaper, describing the nature and extent of Goldstone's irrational hatred of him. To date, he has produced 4,000 pages of prose, none of which have been published.

Currie does have his supporters though.

Marky Mark says that there are two sides to every story and that it's best we hold off judgment. He asks what Currie's detractors would have had him do? Simply lie there prone on the bedroom floor while his niece disemboweled him?

Mike Brock said something very similar before launching into a lengthy diatribe about how Halloween creates a dangerous predisposition to socialism what with its traditions of giving out candy to children for absolutely no reciprocal offerings on the children's part other than the withholding of the threat of a "trick" should no candy be forthcoming, which is very similar to the bullying extortion of communists and their kind. Brock goes on much further to add that while he would not ban Halloween what with him being a consistent libertarian and all, he would nonetheless .... and that's where I always tend to stop listening to him.

Krygnthatisu-abusureifald (or something) writes inane limericks to the effect that Currie's niece is an inbred monster who belongs in a lunatic asylum and that all of Currie's critics are pedophiles.

Currie and his three friends often go to the blog "ghost of a flea" written by a mysterious individual who says that he would like to violently kill Currie's detractors, justifying himself with essays detailing their violent tendencies. Currie, Mark, Brock and whatsisface heartily concur and make little jokes about what ridiculous people there are in the world.


Marky Mark said...

I'm famous!

I think both your camp and the Currie camp go too far each in its own way. It's not hard to be in the middle with those two extremes. Israel is portrayed as not only wrong but irredeemably wrong-it not only recklessly endangered passengers, it murdered them or, now, "executed" them, all stated as if it's impossible to disagree without being a tribalist or racist.

thwap said...

You pretend you don't know how ridiculous you sound.

You know the difference between you and the character in the satire?

The character in the satire is just an idiot. You on the other hand, are fabricating straw-men arguments and formulating a nonsensical middle-ground in order to (failingly) provide moral cover for imperialist theft and murder.

The government of Turkey vouched for the humanitarian content of the cargo. Respected international figures put their reputations on the line to ensure that humanitarian aid and only humanitarian aid arrived for the people of Gaza.

And, finally, something that might even register with someone like you, the Israeli government has produced no evidence (beyond the insulting garbage already mentioned) of weapons.

Caches of guns, ammunition, rockets, explosives, etc., are not hard to find on a ship at sea. If these ships were carrying anything, Israel would have found it within hours, a day on the outside, and would have trumpeted the news to the world far and wide.

The ship was unarmed, it was carrying aid to a people under an illegal siege.

I am under no obligation to provide you with a forum to spread your imperialist propaganda. You are a holocaust denier and your further attempts to comment here going to be deleted.

Todd said...

"You are a holocaust denier"

Where did this happen??!!

thwap said...

A "holocaust" is "any mass slaughter or reckless destruction of life."

I actually usually use it when discussing apologists for the US invasion of Iraq, but I got a little carried away this morning.

I don't think it technically applies here.

"Apologist for mass-murder" is probably more fitting.

Todd said...

Mmm. I see.

thwap said...

Mmm. I'm glad?

Todd said...

Oh, don't fret. I figured you were thinking along lines like what you described. For all that he's a pestiferous concern troll, MM hasn't struck me so far as leaning in that direction.

thwap said...


I don't know about that. He can string sentences together with enough facility to make me think that his shtick is to appear as the reasonable one, but the end result is you argue till you're blue in the face just trying to establish the foundations of your critique, to simply have to justify your critique of Israeli barbarism, and at the end of it all, he's still hemming and hawing as if you're being unfair to them.

Terrence said...

"Mike Brock said something very similar before launching into a lengthy diatribe about how Halloween creates a dangerous predisposition to socialism..."

Aw, come on. You could have at least thrown in something about Halloween being a problem because it causes inflation of the candy supply!

thwap said...

I don't know if Brock is a gold-standard kinda guy or a free-money kinda guy.