stephen harper's "Muscular" Foreign Policy

Speech from stephen harper on the foreign policy of his new majority government:

My fellow Conservatives (for you are the only people that matter to me when I make my policies), welcome to the new reality of 21st Century Canada: A Conservative majority! Now that I have my majority government, you can be sure that we intend to move forward on many fronts; restricting abortion rights, attacking proponents of the gay lifestyle, putting the First Nations in their place. And have no fear, there will be plenty of G20 tramplings of the human rights of those pesky protesters!

My only regret with having a majority government is that, with a party of such easily malleable human garbage which cravenly obeys my every whim, I won't have any further opportunities to display my unbridled contempt for Parliament and the rest of Canada's ...ugh! ... democratic institutions and traditions.

But for now, I want to speak to you about the new, more muscular foreign policy of my majority government. Because now that I have a majority, there is absolutely nothing that can stand in the way of directing Canada's resources into a foreign policy that reflects my values (and yours if you happen to agree with me).

Because I feel a familiar tingle in my lil' meat-stick at the thought of healthy young men straining and exerting themselves as they fight for their lives, my values are martial values. War. Killing other people. Well, to be honest, ... ordering other people to kill people. Nothing makes my own lil' soldier shrivel up as the idea of placing my great self at risk of death or dismemberment.

So, to begin: We shall stay in Afghanistan. Despite the fact that we've been winning over there for ten years now, the insurgency is larger than ever. Somebody hasn't given them the message apparently! And all because the government of which Karzai is a figurehead robs them blind and rapes little boys. Well fear not! Under orders from my American masters, Canadian soldiers will stay in a combat capacity (with a majority I can safely dispense with this "training" bullshit) and fight, kill, and die to ensure that the Afghan government can continue to rape little boys.

We shall put our troops at the service of our American masters in Haiti, in order to ensure that Haitian politicians can be pressured into keeping their people working for starvation wages. Canadian soldiers, you all will be proud to know, will fight to defend any Haitian puppet government that resorts to torturing, killing, and dismembering its people in order that they be kept in misery and starvation. People ask me; "Mr. Harper, why are we so involved in beating down the Haitians?" The answer is very simple and I agree with my predecessor, Paul Martin, on this one. It's because they're black and they speak French.

Canada will continue to bomb Libya, including civilian areas, because we're ... tee-hee! Excuse me. Because we're ... we're ... SNORT! Chuckle! ... Snicker. Because we're concerned about innocent pe ... Oh god I can't stand it! It's too funny! Um. Ahem!! Innocent people don't want 'em killed, blah, blah, blah, whatever.

It came to my attention that a lot of Canadian Jewish voters love Israel so much they'll support her no matter what atrocities she commits. In light of this fact, and because I'm pretty much brain-dead, I too promise to support Israel no matter what. Plus, I grew up hating Arabs and other assorted Muslims, so this all meshes well with my childish TV movie of the week morality.

Previous governments shortchanged the Canadian Forces. So do I. But I only do that to the dumb-fuck soldiers who find themselves wounded and maimed in the course of the duty of fulfilling my cynical, imperialist agenda. I won't shortchange the military the hardware, ... and it makes me hard to think of it! ... the HARDware that it needs to do the job of slaughtering icky poor people the world over. I think Canadian soldiers who don't die gloriously in service to my agenda deserve a life of poverty, getting nickeled and dimed by their Department of National Defense. It's so depressing thinking about them like that, instead of enclosed in a nice shiny coffin with a Canadian flag draped tastefully over it.

Oh well, anyway, ... that's the cool parts of my foreign policy. It's not like you have a choice now.